Bill's Adventures With The Chicken
by Lady Doughnuts
Summary: When Jason finds out that there are new neighbours moving in beside her sister and her new husband, Eric the two men just can't wait to tell her all about the first time they met Bill Compton and how he was outsmarted by a chicken. No animals were harmed during the production of this one-shot. I can't say the same for Bill though. He was psychologically traumatised.


**So, peoples. This here is just a silly little one shot that I somehow managed to come up with while listening to some music on my iPod. Bill is in the leading role of the story, but you will all understand when you read it. But do not fear, Eric and Sookie are still together – as if we could have them any other way! **

**Also, this story does contain violence against animals but it is in a comedy (I hope) context, and no chickens were harmed during the manufacturing of this story. Except for a few chocolate frogs. I cannot guarantee that they were not harmed. **

**And this one-shot was based on the song Delaney's Chicken by Conal Gallen, if anyone out there is interested. **

**Finally, if anyone is even still reading this ****since my internet has buggered up again, I will be also uploading a new chapter of Cheating With Him, a new chapter of God Love Her and a new chapter of Seven Drunken Nights since I am posting this from tech.**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**Enjoy! **

SPOV

"Hey, why don't you come on in?" I said, whenever I opened up our front door to reveal my brother and his wife Michelle to be standing on the other side of it. Eric and I had invited them over for their dinner, and in gratitude Michelle was carrying a raspberry cheesecake, that I knew was going to be fucking delicious whenever we dug into it – since Michelle was one hell of a baker.

"Where's Eric?" Jason asked, as I lead the two of them straight into the kitchen where I had dinner on – in fact, it was almost ready.

"He is in the shower … in fact, he should be down any minute now" I answered, pulling the chicken out of the oven to check it.

"I am here, my lover" Eric said, as he too came into the kitchen, and gave me a kiss on the lips before sitting down at the table.

"Aww!" Michelle said, "I take it that married life is treating you well then" she asked.

"It is" I said, putting my head on Eric's shoulder, and squeezed his leg a little with my hand. Eric wrapped one of his arms around my back, and then put his other hand on top of the one I had on his leg. I couldn't help but laugh a little at the disgusted face that he was now showing.

"Come on Jason … it's not like I am a virgin. I am married, for goodness sakes" I said, sounding more than a little exasperated at him.

"I know you aren't a virgin, Sookie. But as your brother I really don't need to be reminded of that fact" Jason replied, wincing.

I then decided that it would be a good idea to capture my husband's lips in one hell of a deep, sexy, passionate kiss that would probably have led to sex … what would have been our fifth run today so far, if it hadn't have been for the fact that we did have guests.

I only pulled away whenever it looked like Jason was going to spontaneously combust.

Michelle was just looking at her husband with amusement, while Eric looked at me with extreme lust, and I knew that I was in for it – in a good way, of course – whenever we were alone later on.

However, we were interrupted by the oven announcing that it had promptly cooked the food, and it was now time to dish out the dinner.

"You sit there, lover. I'll go over and plate everything up for you" he said, and after giving me a soft peck on the forehead, he stood up to get the food, while I began to pour out the alcohol.

A few moments later, we were all sitting eating comfortably, when Jason spoke up once again.

"You never said that your new neighbour was Bill Compton?" he said.

"Is that who it is? Sookie and I haven't met them yet. They just started to move in this morning" Eric said.

"Really? I thought that you two would have been straight over to help them to move in?" Jason asked.

"Sookie and I were … busy with other things" Eric replied. Yeah. We had been busy fucking each other's brains out. All day. And Eric's response was enough to make my brother flush bright red with embarrassment.

You would think that with my brother being such a horn dog himself, he would be able to cope with the idea of me having sex now. But apparently that wasn't the case.

"Anyways, Bill and a woman, who I presumed was his wife were pulling boxes out of a removal lorry and taking them into the house whenever we came up" Michelle added.

"I just can't believe that that fucktard has moved in beside us" Eric said, and I was surprised. I didn't know that they had met before – I certainly haven't met either of our new neighbours before.

"You know him?" I asked, at the same time as Michelle did.

"Yeah" Jason confirmed. "Eric, Alcide and I met him the year that we went to the country for our holidays"

"You mean the year that you two went to stay with Alcide's parents?" I asked.

"Yeah" Eric said, nodding.

"And why do you call him a fucktard?" Michelle asked.

"Well, there are many reasons as to why he is a fucktard, but there is one incident in particular that stands out in my mind" Jason said, smirking.

"The one about the chicken?" Eric asked, he too smiling.

"What happened with a chicken?" I asked, not really wanting to know what the answer would be.

"Well, it really is quite a long story, my lover. But we will try to explain it" Eric replied, taking another bite of his dinner.

"Good. Because this promises to be good" Michelle said.

"Is is … anyways at the point of the chicken incident, we had been down in the country for about two weeks, and there had been a few other incidents which I won't go into right now that would lead any reasonable person to believe that Bill was an idiot. Now, about two weeks before we had arrived, he and his wife … Lorena, I think he had said her name was had went down to the local market and had bought this chicken …" Jason said.

"Yeah. And I am pretty sure that if Bill ever gets a hold of the man that sold it to him, he will kill him with one blow straight through the head" Eric chuckled.

Jason grinned. "I'm not surprised … I would want to lynch that dude too, if it was me. After all, the guy did tell him that it was a tender breed of chicken, that would give a lot of meat on it who would be just right for the dinner table."

"True" Eric nodded. "What a liar that chicken turned out to be"

"Now, Bill and Lorena had planned this great big magnificent dinner party, in which they were going to serve this chicken to all of the guests. And so with that in mind, about a week or so before the dinner party was due to take place he settled down to pluck the chicken." Jason continued.

Michelle and I nodded. To us, that seemed to be perfectly normal.

"The part that Jason didn't tell you, was that the chicken was still alive whenever he was doing this. Bill hadn't even attempted to kill it" Eric added.

"Yeah. Not only was the hen still alive, but he also kept on going until his knuckles were all blistered and his muscles were strained. And his hands and arms were also completely covered in peck marks from the hen as it tried to stop him from plucking it. He tried to pluck the hen for about two days, before they eventually decided just to cook it dressed in all of it's feathers. And they still hadn't killed it yet" Jason said.

"Aww … the poor bird" Michelle said.

"You won't be saying that by the time he gets to the end of the story" Eric said.

I decided just to keep my mouth shut, until I heard the rest of the story.

"Now, after the about four hours, even though they tried to cook the hen, it was still alive. If covered in a hell of a lot of vegetables. Bill tried in vain to get this hen ready for the dinner party, and whenever all of the guests arrived … Eric, Alcide, his parents and I included, on the Sunday night, the hen was still alive." Jason said.

"The first thing that we saw whenever we walked into the yard was the broken picks and shovels that he had used. They all looked like they had been screwed up like tin … all of the materials that he had bought to carve the chicken with, but he hadn't managed to break the skin." Eric said, smiling at the memory.

"Sure after that he sent for Dalley's rammer … you know that he used to break the stones with, and with all of his mite, he tried to break the chicken's bones" Jason continued.

"Yep. But his first blow rebounded off of the hen like a rubber ball and it ended up knocking ten yards of plaster off of McAnally's garden wall." Eric said.

"Seriously?" I asked, laughter roaring out of me, and I saw that Michelle was in a similar sort of a situation.

"Yep" Jason said.

"Now after all of this, he decided that there really was only one thing that he could do, if anybody was going to get some chicken stew for the dinner that night. So, in his wisdom, he managed to get some dynamite from the local quarry. And to try to end the farce, he stuck a stick of dynamite up the chicken's …." Eric said.

"ERIC!" I interrupted him.

"He didn't!" Michelle asked, disbelievingly.

"He did" Eric said.

"Jesus Christ … and that is what has moved in beside you?" she continued.

"Unfortunately" Jason said.

"What did you guys have for dinner that night?" I asked.

"We ended up getting fish and chips from the local chippy" Eric replied.

"I guess then we are in for a lot of fun times then" I said.

"Well the next time that we come over to visit, we will be sure to bring the popcorn and snacks" Jason added.

"Please do" Eric grinned.

"And what happened to the chicken?" Michelle asked.

"Dunno. But he still didn't kill it. The dynamite just forced it into flight for a few seconds. The last we saw of it, it was being propelled into the air" Jason shrugged.

**So … what did we think? Review to give me your thoughts … **


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